A Gift from Santa

I’ve been watching The Chosen, because my brother mentioned it was about the only show he’d watch these days. I respect only spending screen time on things that are important, and I’m trying to be better about that myself. As I shared in my Story and my Tribute, bible stories are important.

This morning, I got to 5x04 “The Same Coin”. It starts with the apostles saying the Dayenu - “if he had brought us out from Egypt and not carried out judgments against them, it would have been enough. If he had carried out judgments against them, and not destroyed their idols, it would have been enough” and so on. I knew nothing of it, but I could tell it was something real, so I looked it up. It is indeed real, but it’s not period (and not ours, but I’ll leave that for now). At the end of the episode, the apostles say their own version. “If you had performed signs and wonders, and not called me by name…” says Mary Magdalene, “it would have been enough”.

I had… thoughts. They felt like thoughts I needed to post, but that I needed to think about before posting, so I decided to go down in the river to pray. I started going down in sneakers, but it was wet. I almost kept going anyway, because my habit once I start something is to just keep swimming. I let myself turn back. I put my boots on, got a few steps out the door, and glitched again for a bit before turning back to put on warmer socks, too.

I started thinking on the way down. A lot of what I was thinking doesn’t need to be posted, but just before the hairpin turn at the bottom, Santa came up. I got to my usual spot, and sat. At my feet, I noticed some pieces of coal. It’s not unusual in that spot. I’d never noticed so much before, though. I collected a pocketfull. I started thinking about why I was finding it. In my mind, thinking about Santa primed me to see Santa-related Giraffes (I have gotten coal in my stocking before).

What do I make of the Giraffe? There are so many ways to go with the connections and interpretations. There are things I feel guilty about, things that might make Santa give me coal. I’d be a better person if I fixed those things. But do I really need the reminder, Santa? Am I not harsh enough on myself? Then again, ever since I learned about the invention of coal tar and gas, I’ve been wanting to try it myself. I’m not gonna go out and buy a whole thing of coal, so thanks Santa for giving me some! Of course, you can also write the whole thing off as a delusion of reference. Santa has nothing to do with it, it’s just more debris in a field of debris. That’s the null hypothesis. Scientifically, that’s what’s true by default. Anyway, it’s not like literal Santa came down in his sleigh and dropped coal for me to find. There’s no meaning. There’s never meaning. Just another sign misleading to nowhere along another lost highway.

I collected a pocketful, and headed back up. My legs felt so weak. I felt so winded. I can sometimes make it up without stopping, but this time I couldn’t. As I rested, I thought about why I needed rest. My eyes did things my eyes do, and it became clear. I have a vision. It’s important to me. I want to share it. I don’t know how. It feels forbidden.

Santa is a lie, which parents continue to tell their children. Generation after generation, kids are crushed by the reality that Santa isn’t real, but then continue the lie with their own children. Why do they do this? They do it because the joy that Santa brings is far bigger than the pain of learning the truth. If they were to live their childhood over again, they would want their parents to lie to them about Santa.

I don’t have the kind of belief the show wants me to have. I’m not going to. I am always going to believe Jesus was a Good Charlatan. But if I had to live my childhood over again, I would still want my parents to lie about him. Even if he was only the things in red text, and not the Good Charlatan, that would be enough for me.