Unspeakable

The thoughts feel like words in my head. They feel like coherent, important messages. But then I try to speak them, or type them, and they aren’t anymore. They turn into mojibake, they come out in tongues. sdfah;jh?

The thoughts will not be carried by any medium. My vocal cords won’t engage, my hands seize, and a buzzing in my eyes pushes them out of contact. My face is frozen in some posture, and I don’t even know how it reads.

The thoughts are too complicated. Imagine trying to explain the restoration of suppressed vision without the extensive rational scientific knowledge (or an equally powerful metaphor) in my last post. It’s impossible! But understanding and organizing the thoughts enough to explain it took several years, and that doesn’t work in conversation.

The thoughts are things I have feelings about, which are considered inappropriate. They make me feel hurt, defensive, angry, really anything other than chipper and agreeable.

The thoughts are things I have to hide. They expose secrets I can’t share, or mislearnings I should have overcome. They’re hurtful, or just inappropriate for the current context. It always seems to be an inappropriate context.

The thoughts are things I’m not supposed to think. They disagree with science, or disagree with religion, or agree with both but in a way neither can accept. Or they’re just plain unpopular.

The thoughts are incorrect, or contradictory. I’m misinformed. I’ve forgotten something, or remembered it differently. I haven’t considered every angle. I’m not an expert. I’m delusional.

The thoughts are incomplete…

And even if I get past all that, I have to put it just so. If I use the wrong words, I’ll be dismissed for being “one of those”. My dad is a white business owner, and my friends are terminally online communists. My mom’s a doctor, and my brother likes RFK. I couldn’t say the sky is blue to everyone in that bunch without running afoul of someone’s tonal preference. But if I use the right words, it feels dishonest, because I’m not actually communicating how I feel. I want to yell, I want to cry, I want to break things. I want to give you the feeling of sewing your mouth and strangling your throat and blinding your eyes, but I cannot hurt you.

So I stay silent.